Why I am stressed out:
1. separation from significant other
2. buying a car
3. negotiating loan for said car
4. conflict in relationship with mother
5. relocating
6. applying for housing
7. seeking employment
8. loved one sick
9. raising a teenager
10. filing for divorce
11. money
12. food
13. sick
I just wanted to record the reasons behind my...my....
death grip on reality.
SO much easier to just slip away,
off to the safe place in my head.
BUT I can't do that.
Not this time, not right now.
MUST stay here and focus, pay attention, get things done,
one at a time- eventually all situations will right themselves,
I will have a new geographic location.
I will be home, and the dust will settle.
but not if I slip away, not if I let the power saver take over.
I am doing my best to STAY.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Saturday, October 10, 2009
pulled weeds
So I talked to my mother today.
It didn't go very well.
She let me know that they
would not be able to help me out financially.
They had previously agreed on this.
So.
I'll manage.
I always do.
I'll figure something out.
Don't expect me to visit though.
My significant other doesn't travel.
So neither do I.
Ry might want to come for a visit.
Maybe during spring break.
I'll just have to wait and see.
Need to talk to my friend.
I need to go do some internet surfing,
I'm thinking of you.
it's 7:13pm.
It didn't go very well.
She let me know that they
would not be able to help me out financially.
They had previously agreed on this.
So.
I'll manage.
I always do.
I'll figure something out.
Don't expect me to visit though.
My significant other doesn't travel.
So neither do I.
Ry might want to come for a visit.
Maybe during spring break.
I'll just have to wait and see.
Need to talk to my friend.
I need to go do some internet surfing,
I'm thinking of you.
it's 7:13pm.
weeds 2
I am freaking out!
I just got off the phone with my friend Ray.
He told me our friend Carrie was having headaches
and seeing in "Picassoish" vision.
She was also having headaches.
She went and had an MRI done,
and something was really wrong in her carotid artery.
Then Ray had to get off the phone, something happened with his daughter.
So now all I know is that something is very wrong with a good friend of mine.
Oh wow. Oh wow. OOOO.
Something just clicked in me. I heard it fit together.
I'm totally freaking out for Erin,
her partner is very sick.
All of a sudden.
When all of your thoughts and memories are of them well.
I tears my heart to pieces.
It wracks me with sorrow,
The lost time apart.
My lie cost me my life.
The life that should have been.
But thank the benevolent force,
that works in my life.
My love has found me again.
And we have that
once in a million,
earth moving
feeling for each other.
Of this I am eternally grateful.
For long have I regretted,
Being so horrible to my ONE,
who I loved so much.
Ouch. Gee that really came out of left field.
Wow. how therapeutic.
Cathartic really.
Huh. I need to think like this more often.
Huh.
I just got off the phone with my friend Ray.
He told me our friend Carrie was having headaches
and seeing in "Picassoish" vision.
She was also having headaches.
She went and had an MRI done,
and something was really wrong in her carotid artery.
Then Ray had to get off the phone, something happened with his daughter.
So now all I know is that something is very wrong with a good friend of mine.
Oh wow. Oh wow. OOOO.
Something just clicked in me. I heard it fit together.
I'm totally freaking out for Erin,
her partner is very sick.
All of a sudden.
When all of your thoughts and memories are of them well.
I tears my heart to pieces.
It wracks me with sorrow,
The lost time apart.
My lie cost me my life.
The life that should have been.
But thank the benevolent force,
that works in my life.
My love has found me again.
And we have that
once in a million,
earth moving
feeling for each other.
Of this I am eternally grateful.
For long have I regretted,
Being so horrible to my ONE,
who I loved so much.
Ouch. Gee that really came out of left field.
Wow. how therapeutic.
Cathartic really.
Huh. I need to think like this more often.
Huh.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
on the brain radio
Like the beat beat beat of the tom-tom
When the jungle shadows fall
Like the tick tick tock of the stately clock
As it stands against the wall
Like the drip drip drip of the raindrops
When the summer shower is through
So a voice within me keeps repeating you, you, you
Night and day, you are the one
Only you beneath the moon or under the sun
Whether near to me, or far
Its no matter darling where you are
I think of you
Day and night, night and day, why is it so
That this longing for you follows wherever I go
In the roaring traffics boom
In the silence of my lonely room
I think of you
Day and night, night and day
Under the hide of me
There's an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me
And this torment wont be through
Until you let me spend my life making love to you
Day and night, night and day
written by Cole Porter
When the jungle shadows fall
Like the tick tick tock of the stately clock
As it stands against the wall
Like the drip drip drip of the raindrops
When the summer shower is through
So a voice within me keeps repeating you, you, you
Night and day, you are the one
Only you beneath the moon or under the sun
Whether near to me, or far
Its no matter darling where you are
I think of you
Day and night, night and day, why is it so
That this longing for you follows wherever I go
In the roaring traffics boom
In the silence of my lonely room
I think of you
Day and night, night and day
Under the hide of me
There's an oh such a hungry yearning burning inside of me
And this torment wont be through
Until you let me spend my life making love to you
Day and night, night and day
written by Cole Porter
Monday, October 5, 2009
weeds
What I learned today...
I really don't mind grading papers, sometimes the answers are sadly entertaining, other times they're downright pitiful. Occasionally they are insightful.
I really need to stop forgetting so much. Seriously. My mind doesn't hold onto anything any more. It's really frustrating. I write notes to myself all over the place, on my hands, my arms. I keep track of activities in my daily planner. I can't remember appointments. Things I need at the store. Did I take my meds (thank god for weekly pill cases)? What was that book I just read all about? Anyway it's more than annoying.
I need to keep examining my motives closely. There are many things I do just out of habit. I need to question my knee-jerk reactions. Focus on today and whatever you need to do to get to your '...happily ever after.'
I'm, of course, thinking constantly about my love. I want to hit the fast forward button until we are together again- for good. I know I need to be enjoying the journey. I know that's really important for me to do. It's one of the things I do to take care of myself. It's just really hard when there is this constant 'hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!' running through my brain. I miss him so much! I've missed him so much. (Geez two commercials back to back that used Cat Stevens music in their backgrounds.) Anyway...I'm still in slight shock because of his presence in my life. I mean I gave up on US a long time ago. I knew there was no hope of an US again. I did go on, I did fall in love again- but it was never the same as it felt with him. When he originally contacted me through Facebook, I just held my breath. June 15, 2009 will always be remembered.
I really don't mind grading papers, sometimes the answers are sadly entertaining, other times they're downright pitiful. Occasionally they are insightful.
I really need to stop forgetting so much. Seriously. My mind doesn't hold onto anything any more. It's really frustrating. I write notes to myself all over the place, on my hands, my arms. I keep track of activities in my daily planner. I can't remember appointments. Things I need at the store. Did I take my meds (thank god for weekly pill cases)? What was that book I just read all about? Anyway it's more than annoying.
I need to keep examining my motives closely. There are many things I do just out of habit. I need to question my knee-jerk reactions. Focus on today and whatever you need to do to get to your '...happily ever after.'
I'm, of course, thinking constantly about my love. I want to hit the fast forward button until we are together again- for good. I know I need to be enjoying the journey. I know that's really important for me to do. It's one of the things I do to take care of myself. It's just really hard when there is this constant 'hurry up, hurry up, hurry up!' running through my brain. I miss him so much! I've missed him so much. (Geez two commercials back to back that used Cat Stevens music in their backgrounds.) Anyway...I'm still in slight shock because of his presence in my life. I mean I gave up on US a long time ago. I knew there was no hope of an US again. I did go on, I did fall in love again- but it was never the same as it felt with him. When he originally contacted me through Facebook, I just held my breath. June 15, 2009 will always be remembered.
The Beginning of Part 4
Two months before my 39th birthday, my high school sweetheart got in touch with me. We had not spoken for over twenty years. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the friend request on Facebook. We exchanged a few polite messages, but instantly the closeness, the intense intimacy we shared long ago was there again. A door in me blew off it's hinges. I sealed this door long ago, when I walked away from my ONE. Hearing his voice again, heaven. Knowing that it would not be long before I felt his arms around me again, Nirvana. Now the work begins. Before he and I can be together again, many things must be done. I am going to use this blog as a brain dump as we work our way towards each other. Just remember, this is just one side of the story. Half of the whole.
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